Survivor of domestic violence
(The character’s name has been changed)
Content note: This story contains references to domestic violence.
When Lan and her husband joined a peer group run by Hagar Vietnam, fellow participants saw a couple beaming as they held their newborn baby. Few would have guessed that for years violence had existed in their home.
The couple relied on a single farming income and struggled to make ends meet. Conflicts grew. For nearly two thirds of their 20 year marriage, Lan experienced violence and her wounds never fully healed.
The Women’s Union of Yen Bai encouraged Lan to join a peer group operated by Hagar Vietnam. The group offered couples opportunities to understand each other better and to learn how to make a living more effectively and sustainably.
At first, Lan was shy because the bruises on her face were still visible. Her husband was surprised to see many male members in the group. Thanks to human centered games and storytelling, members connected quickly. By the second session, people began to overcome barriers, share their stories, and seek advice.
Lan noticed a change in her husband from the very first days in the group. He showed more love toward his wife and children and started helping with small, everyday tasks.
“Once, when I came home from work, I saw meal was cooked. I thought it was my son but it turned out that I was wrong. There were only my husband and I at home at that time. This was when I realized that my husband changed. I was so touched and then cried.”
— Lan
Mr. Dat shared his own learning:
“Now I know that not only beating was considered violence, but swearing or using inappropriate gesture was also violent acts.”
— Mr. Dat
Dat now shares his experience to support other male members who have used unhealthy ways to express themselves, encouraging changes in mindset and behavior. His example inspired other husbands to be less short tempered and to share housework. Conflict is a normal and natural part of marriage. Today, instead of reacting aggressively, Lan’s husband chooses considerate and thoughtful ways he learned from Hagar staff to resolve disagreements.
“Three years ago, if you had asked about another child, I would not have considered it,” Lan explained. Constant conflict and financial pressure made a second baby feel impossible, and she did not want another child to endure violence like her older one.
After three years in the project, things changed. Seeing her husband’s progress, Lan felt open and happy to welcome a second child ten years after their first. Their baby boy brought back the laughter that had been missing from the family for a long time.
To strengthen Lan’s economic capacity, she received a pair of cows. Her family’s efforts to raise the cows and sustain their household economy have already resulted in the gift of a new calf.
Participants: 25 couples.
Format: Group counseling sessions held over 2 to 6 days in separate groups of men and women to create safety for sharing stories and trauma.
Follow up: 7 monthly activities with separate men’s and women’s groups to provide knowledge on gender equality and the law, to raise women’s awareness of their rights, and to increase self esteem and confidence. Sessions for men focused on recognizing and controlling drivers of violent acts.
Joint sessions: The last 5 monthly meetings brought men and women together to build awareness of the impact of trauma on children and to practice nonviolent communication.
Safety: Confidentiality and safety principles were upheld at all times.
This peer group model was delivered under the project titled “Building capacity of duty bearers and beneficiaries to improve access to services for women and children survivors of intimate partner violence and change community’s attitude and behavior towards violence against women.” The project was funded by UNTF.
If you or someone you know is experiencing violence, please seek support from local services available in your area.
